SOUL

n : A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became philosophers. Plato was himself a philosopher. The souls that had least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad browed philosopher, was a usurper and despot. Plato, doubtle , was not the first to construct a system of philosophy could be quoted against his enemies; that certainly he was not the last. “Concerning the nature of the soul,” saith the renowned author of Divers i ones Sanctorum, “there hath been hardly more argument than that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath her seat in the abdomen—in which faith we may discern and interpret a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men most devout. He is said in the Scripture to ‘make a god of his belly —why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Prom as i us, who neverthele erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of the body after death, but of its immaterial e ence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which firmly though civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, anchovies, pâtès de fote gras and all such Christian comestibles shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, though I grieve to confe that neither His Holine the Pope nor His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly revere) will a ent to its di emination.” SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernatural phenomena, especially the doings of spooks. One of the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. ‘To the terror that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another township. Story, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, rot been succe fully impeached. One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. “Mr. Pollard,” said he, “my book, The Biography of a Dead Cow, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?” “T am very sorry, sir,” replied the critic, amiably, “but it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it.” Mr. W. C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o’ nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their courage, when they came upon Mr. J. J. Owen, a well-known journalist. “Why, Owen,” said one, “what brings you here on such a night as this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez’ favorite haunts! And you are a believer. Aren’t you afraid to be out?” “My dear fellow,” the journalist replied with a drear autumnal cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, “YT am afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow’s stories in my pocket and I don’t dare to go where there is light enough to read it.” Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discu ing the question, Is succe a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: “Hello! I’ve heard that band before. Santlemann’s, I think.” “I don’t hear any band,” said Schley. “Come to think, I don’t either,” said Joy; “but I see General Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in the same way as a bra band. One has to scrutinize one’s impre ions pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin.” While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy General Miles pa ed in review, a spectacle of impre ive dignity. When the tail of the seeming proce ion had pa ed and the two observers had recovered from the transient blindne caused by its effulgence “He seems to be enjoying himself,” said the Admiral. “There is nothing,” a ented Joy, thoughtfully, “that he enjoys one-half so well.” The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile from the village of Jebigue, in Mi ouri. One day he rode into town on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, said: “Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. He’ll roast, sure!— he was smoking as I pa ed him.” “O, he’s all right,” said Clark, lightly; “he’s an inveterate smoker.” The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was not right. He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark’s mule loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another man entered the saloon. “For mercy’s sake!” he said, taking it with sugar, “do remove that mule, barkeeper: it smells.” “Yes,” interposed Clark, “that animal has the best nose in Mi ouri. But if he doesn’t mind, you shouldn’t.” In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clark, who looked at the body and, with the non-committal expre ion to which he owes so much of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook it, and pa ed the night in town. General H. H. Wot her spoon, president of the Army War College, has a pet ribnosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is named, the general being a Darwin i an) sitting up for him and wearing its master’s best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. “You confounded remote ancestor!” thundered the great strategist, “what do you mean by being out of bed after taps?— and with my coat on!” Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the manner of his kind and, scuffling acro the room to a table, returned with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an empty champagne bottle and several cigar stumps, had been hospitably entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said: “Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you about those excellent cigars. Where do you get them?” General Wot her spoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. “Pardon me, please,” said Barry, moving after him; “I was joking of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room fifteen minutes.”! Succe , n. The one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows. In literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of succe are exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Ga ilasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, “John A. Joyce.” The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in prose and wear A crimson cravat, a far-away look And a head of hexameter hair. Be thin in your thought and your body’ll be fat; If you wear your hair long you needn’t your hat. 337